-Will.

Eric Clayton

Eric Darien Clayton co-founded False Profits and solo-founded the peanut-butter-and-orange-marmalade-and-raspberry sandwich. He started out writing funny stuff for theater classes in high school, then broke into standup a couple years into college. He soon fell deeply in like with improv as well.

Jordan Hale

Class of 2014

Director of Instruction (December 2013 – April 2014)

Profit (August 2013 – May 2014)

Disciple (N/A)

Jordan Hale joined the False Profits with two goals: to make the world laugh, and to prevent the Dark King Cragalor from comsuming the world in his dark inferno. He considers the fact that people have willingly attended False Profits shows and that the world is still here to this day to be evidence that he accomplished both his goals. He considers himself to be the funniest black Profit of all time, which is technically correct. Jordan Hale invented and brought the art of banter to the Profits, and he was crowned Big King Banter during his stay on the troupe. Jordan was let go from the Profits after a painful decapitation incident during Scenes From A Hat. He loved dogs and wizards.

Marcie Maier

Joey Rasmus

Joey Rasmus started his performing career at the age of 7. He became jaded when his parents spent all of his earnings from acting, so he took up standup comedy as a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill. After 3 years in the business, he became a regular at several Manhattan comedy clubs. After graduating, Joey moved back to New York, where he performs standup and works on the production of his new musical, The Bipartisan.

Shayne Sevigny

Heather “Scarves” Wilson

Her senior year of high school, Heather Wilson was voted “Most Likely to Try to Save The World (But Give up at Forty and Marry a Very European Bagpipe Player.)” Needless to say, she actually started college passionate about social justice, women’s rights, polar bears, and very chick-pea dense chicken salads. Then one day, while looking for a Young Democrats meeting, she stumbled into a comedy troupe audition. It was neither the first nor the last time someone would deem her hyperventilating liberalism “very very amusing.”

Hannah Jones

Hannah Jones is a student at UNC Chapel Hill but she would have attended anywhere that wasn’t Duke. She has never been hugged before and her first improv teacher once told her ‘it shows’. She spends most of her time playing Sims 1 because she is deeply afraid of progress and wants her fans to know ‘please, please, let me go. I don’t know who planted the bombs. Just let me free’.

Peter McThrilliams

After National Geographic rejected his proposal to host and produce “The Cat Whisperer” for the third time, Peter McWilliams found himself with an abundance of cats and nowhere to go. Fortunately he encountered the False Profits shortly thereafter, and they entered a symbiotic relationship. He provided them with funny videos of his cats to aid in their comedy while they gave him “friends.” In the short bursts of sanity between adoring and worshiping his felines, Peter occasionally eats food and participates in comedy shows.

Christian Prosperi

Christian Prosperi hails from an unknown, experimental region of the Internet. He is double majoring in Lawn Sitting and Artful Coffee Preparation, with a minor in Time Management Ignorance. Legend has it that he has three spleens.

Anita Simha

Anita Simha exists, much to the chagrin of friends and family. She also excels at writing concise biographies that lend little insight into her character.

Zach Werder

Zach is not good at turning in bios but thinks that Shea Stanley is an amazing webmaster and agent!

Madison Schaper

Patrick Fiorilli

JJ Tyson

Former Disciples

Eleazar Yisrael (Spring 2022 – Fall 2022)

Ludvig Nilsén Falck (Fall 2022)

Pavani Peri (August 2017 – December 2019)

Bella Carpi (August 2017 – December 2018)

Kitty Lindrum (August 2017 – December 2018)

Elijah Wilde (August 2017 – May 2018)

Harris Wheeler (January 2017 – May 2018)

Ava Gruchacz (January 2017 – May 2018)

Bry Bowden (January 2016 – May 2017)

Oliver Boyasz-Greene (August 2015 – December 2018)

Hunter Braddy (January 2015 – May 2017)

Natalie Cabo (January 2015 – August 2015)

Mackenzie Cole (August 2014 – December 2015)

Jake Rohde (August 2014 – February 2015)

Ace Lane (August 2014 – May 2015)

Michael Lewis (August 2014 – March 2015) (January 2018 – May 2018)

Caity Kelly (January 2014 – May 2015)

Marcy McLamb (January 2014 – December 2014)

Rachel Anderson (January 2014 – May 2015)

Josh Alexander (August 2013 – May 2015)