alumni.

Kenan “Hoost” Bateman

Class of 2015
Founder
Director of Instruction (February 2013 – April 2015)
Media Manager (February 2013 – Present)
Agent (February 2013 – April 2014)
Treasurer (January 2014 – August 2014)
Profit (February 2013 – August 2015)
Disciple (N/A)
Website – http://kenanbateman.com

Kenan enjoys guacamole and arriving late to important engagements. He is a very sexy man, has big muscles, and is writing this biography. I…uhhh…”he” once accidentally pronounced Justaspud as “Hoost-a-spood,” and he’s been known as “Hoost” ever since. Come touch his beard or something. He also founded a delivery service in Chapel Hill after graduating….so go buy things with them

Will(iam) Booth

Class of 2016
Agent (April 2014 – April 2015)
Profit (December 2013 – May 2015)
Disciple (August 2013 – December 2013)

William enclosed the following note to us when writing his bio:

Hey! I would really appreciate if I went by my real name, William. I’ve been trying to go by that for years now, but everyone automatically assumes my name is Will, which is fine, but I really like William.

Thanks!

-William

P.S. I don’t think you guys will do it for the website, but could you not cross out the “iam” in my name like you have in the past? I know I’ve left a couple voicemails and it’s ok I never heard back, but I just wanted to make sure. Seriously I don’t think you guys would keep doing it, but thought I would make sure. Thanks again!

-Will.

Eric Clayton

Class of 2016
Founder
President (February 2013 – December 2015)
Agent (December 2015 – May 2016)
Profit (February 2013 – May 2016)
Disciple (N/A)

Eric Darien Clayton co-founded False Profits and solo-founded the peanut-butter-and-orange-marmalade-and-raspberry sandwich. He started out writing funny stuff for theater classes in high school, then broke into standup a couple years into college. He soon fell deeply in like with improv as well.

Adrian Gilliam

Class of 2016
Profit (December 2015 – May 2016)
Disciple (August 2013 – December 2015)

Hey kids, I’m just a regular kid like you guys. So anyone here know where I can score some of that sweet kusheroni? I’m not a cop, I promise. I have to tell you if I am.

 

 

Jordan Hale

Class of 2014
Director of Instruction (December 2013 – April 2014)
Profit (August 2013 – May 2014)
Disciple (N/A)

Jordan Hale joined the False Profits with two goals: to make the world laugh, and to prevent the Dark King Cragalor from comsuming the world in his dark inferno. He considers the fact that people have willingly attended False Profits shows and that the world is still here to this day to be evidence that he accomplished both his goals. He considers himself to be the funniest black Profit of all time, which is technically correct. Jordan Hale invented and brought the art of banter to the Profits, and he was crowned Big King Banter during his stay on the troupe. Jordan was let go from the Profits after a painful decapitation incident during Scenes From A Hat. He loved dogs and wizards.

 

Marcie Maier

Class of 2015
Director of Instruction (April 2014 – April 2015)
Profit (August 2013 – May 2015)
Disciple (N/A)

Marcie has a big heart and a bigger collection of cute animal photos. She loves cats and playing Sims. After National Geographic rejected her proposal to host and produce “The Cat Whisperer” for the third time, Marcie Maier found herself with an abundance of cats and nowhere to go. Fortunately she encountered the False Profits shortly thereafter, and they entered a symbiotic relationship. She provided them with funny videos of her cats to aid in their comedy while they gave her “friends.” In the short bursts of sanity between adoring and worshiping her felines, Marcie occasionally eats food and participates in comedy shows.

Marcie and Peter fight over biographies frequently.

 

 

Joey Rasmus

Class of 2014
Profit (August 2013 – May 2014)
Disciple (N/A)

Joey Rasmus started his performing career at the age of 7. He became jaded when his parents spent all of his earnings from acting, so he took up standup comedy as a freshman at UNC-Chapel Hill. After 3 years in the business, he became a regular at several Manhattan comedy clubs. After graduating, Joey moved back to New York, where he performs standup and works on the production of his new musical, The Bipartisan.

 

 

 

Shayne Sevigny

Class of 2015
Founder
Treasurer (February 2013 – December 2014)
Profit (February 2013 – May 2015)
Disciple (N/A)
 

Shayne is not funny like the other Profits, and he certainly never will be. The REAL Profits just keep him around because he knows a thing or two about managing money. His interests include writing haikus about food, staring absently into space, and sorting SpaghettiO rings by size.

SpaghettiO Rings   \   You are big, and you are small   \   Now, I eat you all

Heather “Scarves” Wilson

Class of 2016
Director of Instruction (April 2015 – December 2015)
Historian (December 2014 – August 2015)
Profit (April 2014 – May 2016)
Disciple (January 2014 – April 2014)

Her senior year of high school, Heather Wilson was voted “Most Likely to Try to Save The World (But Give up at Forty and Marry a Very European Bagpipe Player.)” Needless to say, she actually started college passionate about social justice, women’s rights, polar bears, and very chick-pea dense chicken salads. Then one day, while looking for a Young Democrats meeting, she stumbled into a comedy troupe audition. It was neither the first nor the last time someone would deem her hyperventilating liberalism “very very amusing.”

Hannah Jones

Class of 2017
Agent (December 2016 – May 2017)
Director of Instruction (April 2015 – April 2016)
Treasurer (December 2014 – December 2015)
Alumni Manager (April 2014 – December 2014)
Profit (April 2014 – May 2016)
Disciple (N/A)

Hannah Jones is a student at UNC Chapel Hill but she would have attended anywhere that wasn’t Duke. She has never been hugged before and her first improv teacher once told her ‘it shows’. She spends most of her time playing Sims 1 because she is deeply afraid of progress and wants her fans to know ‘please, please, let me go. I don’t know who planted the bombs. Just let me free’.

Peter McThrilliams

Class of 2017
President (December 2015 –
December 2016)
Agent (April 2015 – December 2015)
Alumni Manager (December 2014 – August 2015)
Profit (April 2014 – August 2017)
Disciple (August 2013 – April 2014)

After National Geographic rejected his proposal to host and produce “The Cat Whisperer” for the third time, Peter McWilliams found himself with an abundance of cats and nowhere to go. Fortunately he encountered the False Profits shortly thereafter, and they entered a symbiotic relationship. He provided them with funny videos of his cats to aid in their comedy while they gave him “friends.” In the short bursts of sanity between adoring and worshiping his felines, Peter occasionally eats food and participates in comedy shows.

Christian Prosperi

Class of 2017
Director Of Instruction (December 2016 – August 2017)
Profit (April 2014 – August 2017)
Disciple (August 2013 – April 2014)

Christian Prosperi hails from an unknown, experimental region of the Internet. He is double majoring in Lawn Sitting and Artful Coffee Preparation, with a minor in Time Management Ignorance. Legend has it that he has three spleens.

 

 

Anita Simha

Class of 2017
Director of Instruction  (December 2015 –
December 2016)
Profit (December 2014 – August 2017)
Disciple (January 2013 – December 2014)

Anita Simha exists, much to the chagrin of friends and family. She also excels at writing concise biographies that lend little insight into her character.

 

 

Zach Werder

Class of 2018
Profit (May 2017 – December 2017)
Disciple (January 2015 – May 2017)

Zach is not good at turning in bios but thinks that Shea Stanley is an amazing webmaster and agent!

 

 

 

 

 

Drew Vollmer

 
Class of 2018
Agent (December 2017 – May 2018)
Director of Instruction (April 2016 – December 2017)
Profit (December 2015 – May 2018)
Disciple (January 2015 – December 2015)

 

Child star Drew Vollmer was best known for his leading role in “The Wonder Years”, but now he’s all grown up! Vollmer joined the False Profits not only to revitalize his washed-up acting career, but more importantly to cope with the childhood he never had.

 

Sydney Hale

Class of 2018 
Community Outreach Director (December 2017 – May 2018)
Profit (November 2017 – May 2018)
Disciple (January 2016 – November 2017)
 

Sydney Hale is an anagram of Elsy Handey, Eyes Hyland, and Leyna Hydes, neither of whom are allowed at Costco. She enjoys making people laugh and knocking things off tables.

 

Madison Schaper

Class of 2018 
 
Director of Instruction (April 2017 – May 2018)
Profit (December 2016 – May 2018)
Disciple (August 2015 – December 2016)
 
Madison Schaper joined False Profits in an attempt to get her family to introduce her as “the funny one” instead of as “the one who doesn’t play a sport.” It was not successful.

 

 

Patrick Fiorilli

Class of 2018
Director of Instruction (December 2017 – May 2018)
Profit (December 2016 – Present)
Disciple (January 2016 – December 2016)
 
Patrick’s parents gave him unrestricted access to the Internet at age 5–which really set a lot of wheels in motion looking back on it. He likes neat old things, telling people interesting facts, and amusing only himself by making fun of television commercials.

 

 

 

 

 

 

JJ Tyson

Class of 2018
Treasurer (December 2015 – December 2016)
Profit (April 2015 – Present)
Disciple (August 2014 – April 2015)
As a child, JJ Tyson used humor to cope with his severe onset “Seldom Understood Kid-ness” or SUK. After a shouting match with some False Profits about his likeness to Charlie in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, he ended up not just a confused freshman, but a confused freshman in a comedy troupe. He loves troupes. And the troops. God Bless America. Amen.

 

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